I.

In 2004, I lived with a crossword addict and caught the bug. I looked forward each Thursday for the (now gone) LA Weekly crossword. I rarely finished, but still found it relaxing to try. The person I lived with always finished.

Since then I’ve attempted to do the "easy" "coffee-break" crossword books compiled by Will Shortz. I take much much longer than the target 15 minutes. It’s a foolish goal, but I want to eventually breeze through these. They taunt the newcomer:

Often the subtle pleasures in life are the most rewarding. And as any solver can tell you, a brisk morning, a hot cup of coffee, and a New York Times crossword puzzle can be one of those quietly perfect moments.From the pages of The New York Times comes this brand-new collection of light and easy puzzles… These solver-friendly puzzles allow you to sit back, relax, and lose yourself in a puzzle, all in the span of a coffee break.

Two weeks ago, I receive a phone call to audition for Merv Griffin’s Crosswords.  I don’t know how they got my phone number, but I decide to give it a go. I arrive at Tribune Studios in Hollywood on a sweltering Wednesday afternoon and wait in line with ten people. The production assistants shoot polariods of each of us.

If I pass the trivia test, I’ll be part of the next day’s taping for the first season. I take it for granted that I’ll ace the test. I’m smart aren’t I? This isn’t Jeapardy or Win Ben Stein’s Money. The contestants on Jeapardy have photographic memories coupled with encyclopedic knowlege, quick recall and fast reflexes. Mark Born, a DJ at KXLU and once the second all-time winner at Jeapardy, broke this down for me one day ten years ago. For Win Ben Stein’s Money, you only have to be a Civil War and early American history buff.

We’re ushured into a classroom with a projection screen up front and asked to sign a stack of releases. There are 30 of us now. The test itself is several pages of blank squares. A moderator in back shouts out the clue twice, gives the letter count, waits a quick three seconds and moves on. Up front, projected under the clue, is a visual of the blank squares. The challenge is the quick three seconds. 

I remember:

Clue: Four letter substitute for sugar.
Answer: Dear

Clue: Six letter word for a domesticated llama with long silky hair
Answer: Alpaca?

Clue: 15 letters. Event that lasted from 1337 to 1453
Answer: Hundred Years War

Clue: 9 letters. Wrote the line, " Where true Love burns Desire is Love’s pure flame;"
Answer: Coleridge

 

Three people pass. The one woman who made it is sitting next to me. I am happy for her. Before we leave, they ask us to recommend someone for their second season.  I put down my former housemate, the retired English high school teacher who always finishes her crosswords. In just two hours, I leave humbled and one step closer to reality; it’s a sweltering Wednesday afternoon and I’m no different than the 27 others who did not make the cut.